Shaking

"The want for insanity is insanity.

In that aspect, I am very much insane."

Many words. How to voice them out.

I haven't written for a while. Which is a good sign. That means the venom has been rooted. That means the corruption has disappeared. At least for a moment. But my mind will never be free of its corruption. My heart will never be cleansed of its immorality.

How to start, what to say -

If she is the source, the root, of my insanity, shouldn't I, then, stay away from her? From the cause of my own destruction.

I assumed she was different. That I was alright with being a pawn in her life. That I could stand being her shadow if it meant I could be HER shadow. It seems I was mistaken. Mei isn't any more special than anybody else I've taken an interest to. She doesn't care for me anymore than I do. She loves only her boyfriend. The boy who stole her heart.

And has refused to give it back.

I am not one to judge. We all know that I am no saint. We all know of my devious vice and decadence. We all know of my insanity. But I have come to believe that confessing will help me relieve this pent up frustration. It will help me find some closure. Or, maybe, though unlikely, it will lead her right into my arms.

Reality isn't like that.

I will not confess.

Not while this insanity still runs in my veins. Not while this memory of her own disinterest burns itself into my heart.

I simply cannot love somebody

Who doesn't understand why I am corrupted. How I am corrupted.




I don't understand it myself. And that goes to be said. I simply cannot love somebody until I sate my taint. Until I destroy my own demons.

I will never be with anybody.

I am alone.

Maleficent

Could it all be but a nightmare?

I reach for the darkness like tendrils extending from my hands.

How to go about this? How to believe everything will end up alright when, it clearly will not?

I'm losing sight of who I really am.




I'm losing sight of reality.

Dreams Reckon

Feelings... are a strange sort.

The inevitable phase of nervousness has, evidently, washed away. Now I feel excitement rising up to replace it.

I have no guarantee this is the place I'm meant to go. I have no guarantee I'll be happier there than I will be here. After all, I had two breakdowns there. Whereas I had none recently here. There is no guarantee for anything. Especially happiness. But I feel grateful I'm given this chance. I feel grateful to change.

Change.

The transformation will be hidden. I won't notice it finishing until I wake up one day, breathe in, and realise my mind has shifted.

Or, maybe, somehow, my mind will not shift at all. The change will not happen. Is that even possible? Could my mind truly be this corrupted, for it to remain as so forever?

Sachi. I feel nothing except hollowness whenever I see you. I think, I've spent so much love on you before. So much care and worthless worry and admiration, I've run out of it. It has come to that point. I think I've finally run out of love to give you. You and Daiko deserve each other.

And as I grow, I'll continue to try and be happy for you two.

Shizu, it's so great to talk to you again. So great. Truly. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to have my bro back. To have my wingman back. Despite it only being virtually, I almost feel like I can live with that. Because just having someone who I once shared my deepest feelings to talk to me is an inevitably overwhelming feeling. So, thank you. Despite our differences and pointless arguments before, I'm grateful to you. You've made me the person I am today.

Her.

I have yet to give her a name.

I don't want to favour her. After all, I gave Kuga a favourable name and... It seems my thoughts of her has been corrupted. She and I will never happen and I have to find a reason in me to accept that.

But her. Would I be foolish to think I might still have a chance?

Mei.

I will name her Mei.

Because she isn't my Yuzu. I don't think she is. At this age, I can't be certain. She isn't my Yuzu. But she could be my Mei.

After that first dream, I was convinced nothing would happen between us. We were dating in that dream. And I believed that whoever I dream about, will eventually drift away. If I dream about a person, that person and I will never be anything more than friends. I feared it. I fear for my dreams. True enough, we started talking to each other less. After the second one, which was also about us dating, I believed that there was a connection somewhere. Yet our conversations only shortened. By the time the third dream came around-

We had already stopped talking.

The third dream. Holy hell, I thought I was losing my mind. You know how they say- Third time's the charm? Or, third try and you're out? Three is an iconic number. And when I had my third dream of her, I honestly thought there had to be something wrong with me. The longer I was away from her, the more I started to like her. It was the stupidest thing ever.

But it didn't stop at three.

Just four nights ago, I had my fourth dream of her. In that dream, we weren't dating, no. But I saw her, and I was happy to see her there. Nothing much happened. We exchanged our hello's, and the dream went on.

But she appeared in my dream- Her face clear as day, as recognisable as ever, despite me not seeing OR talking to her in six months? I can't- I don't understand.

What's wrong with me?

I'm afraid- I'm afraid I might spaz out the second I see her again. I'm afraid I might completely lose my cool. What if I mess up a friendship that could be better than all my ones here? What if I lose my chance at starting a new life because I mess up with someone?

I haven't actually outwardly believed 'I like her' since I felt this way. I shoved it aside. Said it was only because she confessed her sexuality to me, and because she was more attractive than most of the people who've shown interest in me so far. But this is starting to get out of hand.

I like her.

I like Mei.

Don't I?

Oh God.

Please, please, don't make this another mistake.

I don't need another Yoru. I don't need another Sachi.

So don't let me relive horrible moments in a new place.



Would it be selfish to ask for more than that?

A month left to go.

Sweet

Sweetness tastes like a bitter pill.

Every night when I lie in bed, surrounded by nothing but silence..

That's when the voices come.

How do I explain it? My thoughts? My personalities colliding? Or just me. Wishing I had companionship. Wishing I had someone to talk to.

I fear of my own self-detonation.

Not for. Of.

The hunger is like a sickness that cannot be cured. A thirst that cannot be quenched.

The only thing within my capabilities, is how far I'm willing to push. I sit back and watch it unfold like a movie on replay. But how do you watch something that hurts you?

Sweet, but bitter.

Loving, but hateful.

Joy, but despair.

We're On Each Other's Team

Sachi is, has always been, and always will be, my Robin.

Despite everything that happened between us, despite the fact that she's hurt me more than anyone else ever had, and despite the fact that I sometimes claim I want to erase her entirely from my life, as long as there is even a shred of her in my life, I will always remain positive- She is my Robin.

The ending of How I Met Your Mother feels sort of clearer now. I still hate it. God knows I'll always hate it. Barney and Robin weren't supposed to divorce after a whole season of building up to their wedding (They were so in love. Way to shatter my belief.) and Tracy Mc- uh, something- wasn't supposed to be a secondary character. She was THE character. The Mother. The woman we've been waiting NINE seasons for. And then ya kill her off with some sort of mystery disease without even a proper funeral or explanation.

But enough, if I start on this rant, I'll never stop.

Ted returned to Robin even after he'd gotten married to the woman of his dreams. Granted, she died. But he still had feelings for Robin (Who, by the way, he claimed to have 'let go' of. Inconsistency!) throughout the way. And that's a bit shallow. But knowing why he did it, knowing how he feels... It just relates to me. It does. I hate that it does. I really, really hate it. But right now, at this stage of my life, Sachi is my ultimate Robin.

She's selfish, sometimes irritating, inconsistent, indecisive, driven, determined, confident, self-assured and, of course, beautiful. She is the Robin Sparkles and the Robin Daggers of my life. Both sides, I equally am infatuated with.

But she's with Daiko. And they're both extremely infatuated with each other. I am no object in her way, not even vivid enough to become the ground she's stepping on. I am merely a shadow forced to watch the inevitable happen through blinding light. I like using poetic sentences. Sounds cooler.

Maybe one day it'll be like HIMYM. Maybe one day, Sachi and Daiko will get married, get divorced, and when we've both finally realized our positions, I run to her house in a grand attempt to win her back, and with me, I carry a blue french horn. Or.. Something that earlier on in our first relationship, I emphasized on. Although I can't quite recall anything we both treasured to keep. Even if there was something, she's probably forgotten about it already.

As... Uh, I have.

But,

Despite that seeming like the perfect way to end a perfect story,

It just isn't reality.

But what is reality to begin with?

Okay before I begin in another irrelevant and useless topic that I'm sure no one will read (And I tend to keep it that way forever), I shall depart with a few final words.



"When you feel lost in this world, it is only because fate wants you to ask directions from someone who will show you the way."
-Fate Author, work-in-progress.

Flight

Would it be so bad to wish for something more than this? To wish for something that would help clear someone's mind from the darkness that threatens to devour one's soul.

I am dark. I am 'emo', as teacher Zusa calls me. I am a very pessimistic person. In contrast, my outwards personality is super optimistic. I guess it depends. After all, I am known to have an alter-ego.

The person I am in real life, the person I am on the internet, the person I am on deviantArt, and the person I am on my blog... They're all different people.

Who the hell am I?

I'm all these people, forced to live in one body. Corrupted with the thoughts of more than one mind.

Also I have low blood pressure. Man, that's hard.

Itou's been getting... I don't know how to say it. I don't feel comfortable with her. I definitely don't trust her, and though she is enjoyable to hang out with sometimes, most times all I wanna do is fight her like the great battle between Lightning Rod and Flare Blitz. But that's all in my head.

Also I seem to have misunderstood Yosu completely. We talked it out. Apparently the truth was different from what it seemed. All in all, the relationship did amount to nothing. But she wasn't spiteful about it. Whether or not I believe her? The truth is, I do. I've been passed around with too many stories now. The fact is she still decided to tell me four years after it happened. So I believe her.

Maybe I'm naive like that. Does it even matter anymore? This truth helps me feel better about the relationship. It helps me accept her. Get some closure.

Yosu's down. Hey Sachi, you planning to acknowledge what we had anytime soon?

It Is A Pandemic

Teikida's so awkward.

It reminded me of when I used to go out with Shizu and Hyuga. I was so into Hyuga then, and that's why I was so afraid of embarrassing myself that I got so shy and awkward. Shizu did most of the talking. That's why the two of them ended up so close. That's why I got ultimately jealous. That's why I started not trusting Shizu because she stole all my crushes away.

It's not my fault though.

After all, even Hyuga told me that Shizu kept talking to her and stuff. Shizu wanted to talk to her. She kept texting her. And calling her, apparently. Maybe she just liked Hyuga as a friend, sure, but you have to take into account that I was all over her as well.

But anyways, Hyuga is not the point here.

How do I put this..

I don't know what to feel here.

When I found out Teikida liked me, I was actually happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's the first person who's liked me since-

Well, a long time.

And also because when I saw her again for the first time this year I thought she looked good. Not in a sense that, "Wow she's gorgeous." or "Wow she's hot."

No. More so in a sense that she pulled the new look off. And also, I'm apparently easily attracted to types like her.

At the same time, I know I'll never fully like her the way she likes me. I will never be able to love her. We will never be able to end up together. Yet I still want something to happen. Why?

Because I'm a selfish retard who only thinks of herself. Because there is nothing in this world that could satisfy me enough except that one person who's going to change my life for the better. I'm not meeting that one person anytime soon. So why not settle for something less permanent?

I'm leaving in two months. I'm not entirely sure Teikida even knows that. Even she did though, I doubt that would change anything. She says she's serious about me. But I've been to the road before. I've claimed I was serious about a ton of people. Hyuga, Yuriko, Ichigo, Sachi... None of them lasted. Well, except Ashii. And Kuga. They're different cases.

Also her confession and her sudden new interest in me hasn't impacted my life at all. I feel almost absolutely nothing's changed.

To be honest with you, I still- I still think Kuga is adorable. And funny. And cool. And I can't help it- Lately I've been thinking maybe there's a chance. But as soon as that happens, I put up a barrier. Because it can never happen. Not only am I leaving in two months, but she deserves so much better than me. I'm broken. I'm not going to give her something broken.

Plus she doesn't swing that way. She's way out of my league.

As usual.

I'm not content with the way things are now.

I'm conflicted with doubts. Riddled with questions. Wondering what's going to happen next is annoying, and I doubt it's gonna get any easier from here on out.

But I revel in this corruption because that's just the kind of person I am.

I am no saint. I know my boundaries in my capabilities, and I can barely do something bad without completely feeling guilty about it, sure, but,

There are some things that I've felt that would go beyond any rational capabilities.

Sachi, you and Daiko make a good pair. But I think the thing that most bothers me about this is that you're treating me as if our relationship never happened. Maybe that's why I never got the closure I wanted.

It's a Pandemic.

Time To Rant

It's been a while since I felt the need to rant.

It's been a while since I had something to rant about.

But this isn't something that I can just keep inside of me. Because I'm frustrated at the very fact that vermin like her still exist in this world. Although I'm not surprised. My only concern is that why does she have to spread her poison around? Can't she take her toxic and just lock herself away alone so that she'll never have to hurt anyone else again?

She's a complete sadist. She takes pleasure in seeing other people hurt.

But then again, I don't know her. Months dating her, yet I know nothing about her. She's nothing but trouble, and maybe the reason Itou's been getting from bad to worse is because she is her influence.

I have no reason to lie here. No reason to hold back.

Nobody will read these words.

Nobody will know how badly I've been damaged.

For the longest time, I've taken anime as a huge influence. The characters I watch come to life are the people I really, really hoped to meet one day. That fascination got me obsessed on Japan. It made me believe everyone there was as perfect, and as surreal as these characters. Being the blind and naive person I am, I continued with that belief even until now.

So every time I take a direct hit to the heart, I tell myself, "Block it out."

I picture myself, in the future, as this lonely anime girl with a great outwards appearance, but inside she's absolutely broken. And then this girl comes into her life, and changes everything.

But who am I kidding? Life doesn't always have to work like that, right?

To be frank with you, I probably have to thank Yosu for what she did to me. Although it crushed me, it also helped me. It made me realize- people like her are at the bottom. They're wishing for something more, craving for attention, for love, for some support to a crummy life. I'm like that too though. I want attention, I want love. But despite all that, I'm still a human being. And human beings don't use other human beings for their own selfish reasons. Not the sane ones anyways.

At the end of the day, I can continue to walk on smiling.

And she'll be left in the gutter. Wondering what the hell happened.

Maybe it won't happen. The world is unfair like that. But for every bad action, there will be a bad reaction. It's called Karma. Watch out, Yosu. It's coming for you.

I'm not the only one who's felt this way.

This year started out great. But it's starting to get rocky. Three months in, and already Yosu's involved in my life again, Teikida confessed and I don't know what to feel about it, and Sachi's relationship with Daiko is constantly making me feel... used.

Why can't, for once, I just meet someone who I can be my complete self with? And at the same time, have something normal. No drama, no annoying ex's, no weirdness. Just... normal.

Where is my Yarai? Where is my Yuzu?

Rant over.

Two more months to go.

What Am I Saying

Oh. Gosh.

I finished Portal 2 today! Which is a horrendous achievement considering I just started playing it yesterday. Granted, I had to go through *so many* walkthroughs in order to reach the end but I still feel a sense of accomplishment at having done this great gamer deed before I fully became a Sims-addict.

I've also started Far Cry 3! Which is more like Tomb Raider than I can fathom. I can't help but, for now, like Tomb Raider better though. But that's in terms of gameplay and technique. Honestly, Far Cry has intrigued me. Not just in the story. But also because...

Well, let's just say the girls in there definitely beat the only good-looking girl in the whole Tomb Raider series which is, the main character whom you control. Who you can barely look at.... Because you're controlling her. Go figure. She's definitely attractive, that's for sure. But, Far Cry has more than just one hot girl. Which beats the odds, really.

What am I saying, ranting on about girls in games. (It's the best thing about games, really)

I've been working excessively hard (in my degree) to try and lose weight to make me look like more of an adventurer than a sad pathetic gamer. To my defense on that pathetic gamer bit, it's a lot more fun eating and playing games than playing games alone so that's to all my slightly overweight gamer-folk out there! I feel you.

But yes, I have been working quite hard on that. And so far, it's been paying off. Slowly. And not visibly. But it has. In its own magical fitness way. You know how it is.

Also, Citrus has gotten my stomach in a twist. I swear, Japanese comics just have a way of doing that to you. I mean, you FINALLY give us a proper kiss between the two main girls and then you went ahead and cliffhanger the whole thing! The next chapter isn't out till March, I mean kill me now!

But yes.

Updated my blog.

With a rather useless post.

Not much talk about feelings. Considering lately I've been trying hard to block them out with games and school and sports and eating and being an epic and suave person.

I skype'd with Jaz. And I saw her face for the first time on video. She is so adorable, I see no reason why she won't believe that. Honestly, if she was my actual friend here, I'd be the luckiest person alive. Because Evelyn sucks at being emotional and keeping secrets and Michelle's off with her new boyman all the time and Shereen's in KL doing god-knows-what and Hannah's just- Well, she's Hannah.

I would consult Farid. Maybe I should. Despite everything else, apparently he is good at deep-talk.

Yes. Updated my blog.

With more rather useless posts.

Ciao losers.

Influenced

I get influenced easily. Particularly by movies. I recently just watched a war movie called Lone Survivor.

I honestly think I'd die if I were a marine. Pitiful creature I am.

I might not mind having to stay for another 7 months. I have to admit, I'm gonna really miss my friends. My friends, who are sometimes too overbearing, too overwhelming, too cruel, too sarcastic, too lame, too idiotic, my friends who I love. I wish there was a way I could get the best of both worlds.

But it's easy to lose contact when you're so far away.

I know that firsthand. I know that all too well.

I have to push my physical self, to be better than I already am, to be the girl I saw in my dreams. To be that girl. Who can take on dragons and ninjas and assassins. I wish they were real, just so I could be one. Or a mercenary. Whatever works. As long as I get cool daggers, and epic war music in the background. Imagine that. Fighting some red bandits in slow motion with an epic soundtrack playing as I slash off their heads and shoot at between their eyes.

I think I play too much games.

Ironically, I've been neglecting my Xbox. Now the only game I play at a constant time is Sims. And I just do that to make babies and name them.

My self-named Sim was married to Apple. And we had a daughter and a son, named Nightly and Alistair accordingly. It's just what I want for my future. But it's also only in a game. It's all in my head. A fairytale that'll never come true. It's the reason I made it come true on the computer. Virtually it exists, in my head, in the depths of my dark and twisted heart.

Also apparently I crave attention but I'm shy.

It might be true. But I'm only shy when I have attention.

Strange. Strange indeed.