Flight

Would it be so bad to wish for something more than this? To wish for something that would help clear someone's mind from the darkness that threatens to devour one's soul.

I am dark. I am 'emo', as teacher Zusa calls me. I am a very pessimistic person. In contrast, my outwards personality is super optimistic. I guess it depends. After all, I am known to have an alter-ego.

The person I am in real life, the person I am on the internet, the person I am on deviantArt, and the person I am on my blog... They're all different people.

Who the hell am I?

I'm all these people, forced to live in one body. Corrupted with the thoughts of more than one mind.

Also I have low blood pressure. Man, that's hard.

Itou's been getting... I don't know how to say it. I don't feel comfortable with her. I definitely don't trust her, and though she is enjoyable to hang out with sometimes, most times all I wanna do is fight her like the great battle between Lightning Rod and Flare Blitz. But that's all in my head.

Also I seem to have misunderstood Yosu completely. We talked it out. Apparently the truth was different from what it seemed. All in all, the relationship did amount to nothing. But she wasn't spiteful about it. Whether or not I believe her? The truth is, I do. I've been passed around with too many stories now. The fact is she still decided to tell me four years after it happened. So I believe her.

Maybe I'm naive like that. Does it even matter anymore? This truth helps me feel better about the relationship. It helps me accept her. Get some closure.

Yosu's down. Hey Sachi, you planning to acknowledge what we had anytime soon?

It Is A Pandemic

Teikida's so awkward.

It reminded me of when I used to go out with Shizu and Hyuga. I was so into Hyuga then, and that's why I was so afraid of embarrassing myself that I got so shy and awkward. Shizu did most of the talking. That's why the two of them ended up so close. That's why I got ultimately jealous. That's why I started not trusting Shizu because she stole all my crushes away.

It's not my fault though.

After all, even Hyuga told me that Shizu kept talking to her and stuff. Shizu wanted to talk to her. She kept texting her. And calling her, apparently. Maybe she just liked Hyuga as a friend, sure, but you have to take into account that I was all over her as well.

But anyways, Hyuga is not the point here.

How do I put this..

I don't know what to feel here.

When I found out Teikida liked me, I was actually happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's the first person who's liked me since-

Well, a long time.

And also because when I saw her again for the first time this year I thought she looked good. Not in a sense that, "Wow she's gorgeous." or "Wow she's hot."

No. More so in a sense that she pulled the new look off. And also, I'm apparently easily attracted to types like her.

At the same time, I know I'll never fully like her the way she likes me. I will never be able to love her. We will never be able to end up together. Yet I still want something to happen. Why?

Because I'm a selfish retard who only thinks of herself. Because there is nothing in this world that could satisfy me enough except that one person who's going to change my life for the better. I'm not meeting that one person anytime soon. So why not settle for something less permanent?

I'm leaving in two months. I'm not entirely sure Teikida even knows that. Even she did though, I doubt that would change anything. She says she's serious about me. But I've been to the road before. I've claimed I was serious about a ton of people. Hyuga, Yuriko, Ichigo, Sachi... None of them lasted. Well, except Ashii. And Kuga. They're different cases.

Also her confession and her sudden new interest in me hasn't impacted my life at all. I feel almost absolutely nothing's changed.

To be honest with you, I still- I still think Kuga is adorable. And funny. And cool. And I can't help it- Lately I've been thinking maybe there's a chance. But as soon as that happens, I put up a barrier. Because it can never happen. Not only am I leaving in two months, but she deserves so much better than me. I'm broken. I'm not going to give her something broken.

Plus she doesn't swing that way. She's way out of my league.

As usual.

I'm not content with the way things are now.

I'm conflicted with doubts. Riddled with questions. Wondering what's going to happen next is annoying, and I doubt it's gonna get any easier from here on out.

But I revel in this corruption because that's just the kind of person I am.

I am no saint. I know my boundaries in my capabilities, and I can barely do something bad without completely feeling guilty about it, sure, but,

There are some things that I've felt that would go beyond any rational capabilities.

Sachi, you and Daiko make a good pair. But I think the thing that most bothers me about this is that you're treating me as if our relationship never happened. Maybe that's why I never got the closure I wanted.

It's a Pandemic.

Time To Rant

It's been a while since I felt the need to rant.

It's been a while since I had something to rant about.

But this isn't something that I can just keep inside of me. Because I'm frustrated at the very fact that vermin like her still exist in this world. Although I'm not surprised. My only concern is that why does she have to spread her poison around? Can't she take her toxic and just lock herself away alone so that she'll never have to hurt anyone else again?

She's a complete sadist. She takes pleasure in seeing other people hurt.

But then again, I don't know her. Months dating her, yet I know nothing about her. She's nothing but trouble, and maybe the reason Itou's been getting from bad to worse is because she is her influence.

I have no reason to lie here. No reason to hold back.

Nobody will read these words.

Nobody will know how badly I've been damaged.

For the longest time, I've taken anime as a huge influence. The characters I watch come to life are the people I really, really hoped to meet one day. That fascination got me obsessed on Japan. It made me believe everyone there was as perfect, and as surreal as these characters. Being the blind and naive person I am, I continued with that belief even until now.

So every time I take a direct hit to the heart, I tell myself, "Block it out."

I picture myself, in the future, as this lonely anime girl with a great outwards appearance, but inside she's absolutely broken. And then this girl comes into her life, and changes everything.

But who am I kidding? Life doesn't always have to work like that, right?

To be frank with you, I probably have to thank Yosu for what she did to me. Although it crushed me, it also helped me. It made me realize- people like her are at the bottom. They're wishing for something more, craving for attention, for love, for some support to a crummy life. I'm like that too though. I want attention, I want love. But despite all that, I'm still a human being. And human beings don't use other human beings for their own selfish reasons. Not the sane ones anyways.

At the end of the day, I can continue to walk on smiling.

And she'll be left in the gutter. Wondering what the hell happened.

Maybe it won't happen. The world is unfair like that. But for every bad action, there will be a bad reaction. It's called Karma. Watch out, Yosu. It's coming for you.

I'm not the only one who's felt this way.

This year started out great. But it's starting to get rocky. Three months in, and already Yosu's involved in my life again, Teikida confessed and I don't know what to feel about it, and Sachi's relationship with Daiko is constantly making me feel... used.

Why can't, for once, I just meet someone who I can be my complete self with? And at the same time, have something normal. No drama, no annoying ex's, no weirdness. Just... normal.

Where is my Yarai? Where is my Yuzu?

Rant over.

Two more months to go.