Could it all be but a nightmare?
I reach for the darkness like tendrils extending from my hands.
How to go about this? How to believe everything will end up alright when, it clearly will not?
I'm losing sight of who I really am.
I'm losing sight of reality.
Sunday, 15 June 2014
Dreams Reckon
Feelings... are a strange sort.
The inevitable phase of nervousness has, evidently, washed away. Now I feel excitement rising up to replace it.
I have no guarantee this is the place I'm meant to go. I have no guarantee I'll be happier there than I will be here. After all, I had two breakdowns there. Whereas I had none recently here. There is no guarantee for anything. Especially happiness. But I feel grateful I'm given this chance. I feel grateful to change.
Change.
The transformation will be hidden. I won't notice it finishing until I wake up one day, breathe in, and realise my mind has shifted.
Or, maybe, somehow, my mind will not shift at all. The change will not happen. Is that even possible? Could my mind truly be this corrupted, for it to remain as so forever?
Sachi. I feel nothing except hollowness whenever I see you. I think, I've spent so much love on you before. So much care and worthless worry and admiration, I've run out of it. It has come to that point. I think I've finally run out of love to give you. You and Daiko deserve each other.
And as I grow, I'll continue to try and be happy for you two.
Shizu, it's so great to talk to you again. So great. Truly. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to have my bro back. To have my wingman back. Despite it only being virtually, I almost feel like I can live with that. Because just having someone who I once shared my deepest feelings to talk to me is an inevitably overwhelming feeling. So, thank you. Despite our differences and pointless arguments before, I'm grateful to you. You've made me the person I am today.
Her.
I have yet to give her a name.
I don't want to favour her. After all, I gave Kuga a favourable name and... It seems my thoughts of her has been corrupted. She and I will never happen and I have to find a reason in me to accept that.
But her. Would I be foolish to think I might still have a chance?
Mei.
I will name her Mei.
Because she isn't my Yuzu. I don't think she is. At this age, I can't be certain. She isn't my Yuzu. But she could be my Mei.
After that first dream, I was convinced nothing would happen between us. We were dating in that dream. And I believed that whoever I dream about, will eventually drift away. If I dream about a person, that person and I will never be anything more than friends. I feared it. I fear for my dreams. True enough, we started talking to each other less. After the second one, which was also about us dating, I believed that there was a connection somewhere. Yet our conversations only shortened. By the time the third dream came around-
We had already stopped talking.
The third dream. Holy hell, I thought I was losing my mind. You know how they say- Third time's the charm? Or, third try and you're out? Three is an iconic number. And when I had my third dream of her, I honestly thought there had to be something wrong with me. The longer I was away from her, the more I started to like her. It was the stupidest thing ever.
But it didn't stop at three.
Just four nights ago, I had my fourth dream of her. In that dream, we weren't dating, no. But I saw her, and I was happy to see her there. Nothing much happened. We exchanged our hello's, and the dream went on.
But she appeared in my dream- Her face clear as day, as recognisable as ever, despite me not seeing OR talking to her in six months? I can't- I don't understand.
What's wrong with me?
I'm afraid- I'm afraid I might spaz out the second I see her again. I'm afraid I might completely lose my cool. What if I mess up a friendship that could be better than all my ones here? What if I lose my chance at starting a new life because I mess up with someone?
I haven't actually outwardly believed 'I like her' since I felt this way. I shoved it aside. Said it was only because she confessed her sexuality to me, and because she was more attractive than most of the people who've shown interest in me so far. But this is starting to get out of hand.
I like her.
I like Mei.
Don't I?
Oh God.
Please, please, don't make this another mistake.
I don't need another Yoru. I don't need another Sachi.
So don't let me relive horrible moments in a new place.
Would it be selfish to ask for more than that?
A month left to go.
The inevitable phase of nervousness has, evidently, washed away. Now I feel excitement rising up to replace it.
I have no guarantee this is the place I'm meant to go. I have no guarantee I'll be happier there than I will be here. After all, I had two breakdowns there. Whereas I had none recently here. There is no guarantee for anything. Especially happiness. But I feel grateful I'm given this chance. I feel grateful to change.
Change.
The transformation will be hidden. I won't notice it finishing until I wake up one day, breathe in, and realise my mind has shifted.
Or, maybe, somehow, my mind will not shift at all. The change will not happen. Is that even possible? Could my mind truly be this corrupted, for it to remain as so forever?
Sachi. I feel nothing except hollowness whenever I see you. I think, I've spent so much love on you before. So much care and worthless worry and admiration, I've run out of it. It has come to that point. I think I've finally run out of love to give you. You and Daiko deserve each other.
And as I grow, I'll continue to try and be happy for you two.
Shizu, it's so great to talk to you again. So great. Truly. I can't even begin to explain how nice it is to have my bro back. To have my wingman back. Despite it only being virtually, I almost feel like I can live with that. Because just having someone who I once shared my deepest feelings to talk to me is an inevitably overwhelming feeling. So, thank you. Despite our differences and pointless arguments before, I'm grateful to you. You've made me the person I am today.
Her.
I have yet to give her a name.
I don't want to favour her. After all, I gave Kuga a favourable name and... It seems my thoughts of her has been corrupted. She and I will never happen and I have to find a reason in me to accept that.
But her. Would I be foolish to think I might still have a chance?
Mei.
I will name her Mei.
Because she isn't my Yuzu. I don't think she is. At this age, I can't be certain. She isn't my Yuzu. But she could be my Mei.
After that first dream, I was convinced nothing would happen between us. We were dating in that dream. And I believed that whoever I dream about, will eventually drift away. If I dream about a person, that person and I will never be anything more than friends. I feared it. I fear for my dreams. True enough, we started talking to each other less. After the second one, which was also about us dating, I believed that there was a connection somewhere. Yet our conversations only shortened. By the time the third dream came around-
We had already stopped talking.
The third dream. Holy hell, I thought I was losing my mind. You know how they say- Third time's the charm? Or, third try and you're out? Three is an iconic number. And when I had my third dream of her, I honestly thought there had to be something wrong with me. The longer I was away from her, the more I started to like her. It was the stupidest thing ever.
But it didn't stop at three.
Just four nights ago, I had my fourth dream of her. In that dream, we weren't dating, no. But I saw her, and I was happy to see her there. Nothing much happened. We exchanged our hello's, and the dream went on.
But she appeared in my dream- Her face clear as day, as recognisable as ever, despite me not seeing OR talking to her in six months? I can't- I don't understand.
What's wrong with me?
I'm afraid- I'm afraid I might spaz out the second I see her again. I'm afraid I might completely lose my cool. What if I mess up a friendship that could be better than all my ones here? What if I lose my chance at starting a new life because I mess up with someone?
I haven't actually outwardly believed 'I like her' since I felt this way. I shoved it aside. Said it was only because she confessed her sexuality to me, and because she was more attractive than most of the people who've shown interest in me so far. But this is starting to get out of hand.
I like her.
I like Mei.
Don't I?
Oh God.
Please, please, don't make this another mistake.
I don't need another Yoru. I don't need another Sachi.
So don't let me relive horrible moments in a new place.
Would it be selfish to ask for more than that?
A month left to go.
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