2014

IT'S NEW YEARS BABY.

Finally, the clock has struck past 12. It is officially a new year and I gotta say, I'm feeling pretty damn optimistic!

Thank you God, for giving me all I have to be thankful for.

Now.

My first good deed of 2014; Give you the thing you deserve.

8 more days till you receive it.

I'll make a countdown of this on twitter.

Lastly,

Let's see how much trouble I can get into in 12 months...

Domino Effect

It's when one domino falls, and all the others follow suit.
When one disaster occurs, a dozen more comes right up behind it.

I'm not saying it's a thing.

But it makes sense.

Btw, why am I publishing so many blog posts recently? Drawing close to the end of the year can do things to a person. Like make them socially inadequate.

Sad life you live in.

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You.

I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

I'm addicted to the song. Rather painfully, I might say. It's stuck in my head every minute of every day. And it hurts because the message the song has is heartbreaking in a universal way. Anyone can understand what it means. Everyone has gone through it before. Having to leave that one person you love. Or having to move on from the person you thought loved you. 

Haven't had a proper meal today. I feel weak and fat. Sad cases everywhere. 

Also, it's New Years Eve. 

The magic has subsided. I no longer feel ecstatic at the thought of starting a new year. 

Honestly. 

Wonder if I could steal a zebra from the zoo. 

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.

Talking To Myself

I don't know, I'm just really confused at this point.

My life has all but been clear. I know part of who I am; Flare Blitz, Kye Tamm, someone who wants to make a difference, someone who isn't like the rest of em. But the other half of me? The other part, which I'm supposed to find?

I'm lost. I can't see it at all.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

2014 is coming. Maybe that's why I'm thinking so much about this. Maybe that's why I feel the need to write this all down.

I don't want it to be just another year again. 2013 has been eventful for me. Lots of changes, lots of heartbreaks, lots of awareness's. But I couldn't even figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, where I'm supposed to go and who I'm supposed to trust. After all, I can't do this alone. Being away from the people you surround yourself with for two months can help you clarify who's worth keeping and who's better off a stranger to you.

If they make time for you, continue to tell you things, even if they've told it to you a thousand times before, you can tell they care for you. They want to continue to be in your life. Accept that.

But those who feel as if they're losing time for you, those who claim to not be free for you, they're pushing you away.

You're pushing me away, bro.

After three years of being Ted and Barney, what the hell are you doing?

If you're reading this, just know that I'm not trying to offend you or anything. I just want you to know that that's the vibe I've been getting from you. You're never there for me, man. And now that you're moving, I can almost feel the line our friendships' been threading on snapping.

I guess there are people you should let go of.

Great. Now I need a new wingman.

I'm making a big shift for 2014. Moving to Saipan will be the big change for me. It'll be a complete transformation. I don't know if I'll be ready for that. I know I'm not now. I'm terrified. But then again, I've always been terrified of change. Maybe that's why my heart's so determined on going. I need to push myself out of my own comfort zone.

C'mon, Kye. Live a little.

You can't stay in Malaysia forever, that's for sure.

A few more things I have to write about. Love, of course, being the most obvious and gayest topic of all.

What the hell am I really? I claim to be a hopeless romantic, to be able to treat my future someone with as much love and care as a person like me can muster. But it's only been two months and suddenly I'm already over the girl I thought I was in love with. My best friend, who I claimed was my most serious crush since Apple. I see her now, and I feel absolutely nothing.

I'm hollow. Damaged goods. Who the fuck can fix someone like me up?

I don't know anymore. I've been talking to myself, talking to the dark, trying to clear the shit up in my head before the clock strikes twelve on the last day of 2013, but I'm starting to think it's hopeless. There's so much shit clustered up in there. So much doubt. Insecurities. False hope.

I'm still young.

Still blossoming.

Still searching.

But I'll always feel like a shadow. In all honesty I could be okay with that.

As long as the light that's opposing me can make me feel as bright as she is.

Strange.

If only superpowers really did exist.

What If

Don't get caught up in life by so many What If's.

I like her. I really like her. To the point where I dream of us together (in a super intimate way) before I even realized the extent of how much I liked her.

My life is constant evergoing battle of good and evil.

I'm not going to confess. It just... doesn't seem right, at this moment. I'll let things be.

What If we end up together?

I think I can love her forever.

Birth

Where do I begin?

Honestly, it's a weird feeling. I can't even explain it myself.

Today's my birthday! The 9th of December, the day I was brought to this world, the day a crazed lunatic was given birth to. I like my life. Heck, I love it. I'm much more fortunate than others, and I'm grateful for that. Truly, truly grateful. However, my life isn't all that perfect. I'm fighting with demons and inner wounds here, and I'm not sure I can shake em off.

My friends...

Do I even call them that?

The friends I have here are hard to understand. Or, at least, one group is. Sometimes I feel comfortable with them, I feel like maybe I could be apart of their group. Other times, I feel like an outsider. Like a stranger looking in. Like some weirdo, wanting too desperately to be called a friend. To be trusted, to be liked, to be accepted.

But isn't that what teenage society's like these days? Wanting acceptance? Wanting love and trust? Wanting something more than just innocent smiles and controversial physical contact?

I have other friends, maybe. But I find it hard to converse with them.

What am I saying... I'm going off topic.

Today's my birthday. I had a party tonight.

Not so much a party, as more to a dinner. A lovely dinner, with lovely people. It was tame. It was nice.

But I miss my friends in kk. The people I can be my absolute self with, and they won't judge. The people who're easy to get along with, and easy to understand. My friends, in kk, who never get to celebrate my birthday with me because I'm always gone, or they're always gone.

Why is it like that? There has to be meaning in it.

Sometimes I get the feeling they're all pretending.

I feel as if they, my friends here, all don't like me inside. They use me. As an excuse. As a reason. As an advantage. They use me, and pretend to like me, and in the end, leave me broken and busted in the corner like an old used toy. I hate thinking that way. The pessimism will rot my brain. But I can't help it. I've gone through it before, and I can't help but feel I'm going through it again.

I have three more hours until my birthday ends. Until the day will become just another ordinary day once again, and I mean almost nothing to the people around me. To them, I'm expendable. Bring in another cool Malaysian who can draw, sing, and write. One who's prettier. One who's better at conversations.

They'll forget about me in no time.

It's a downwards way of thinking. I know that.

The thought of her helps. It's not serious. Not really, I think. But this is the first time that someone's made my ear hot for a whole night just by sitting close to me. When she was there, I thought I could handle myself well. And I did. We made light conversation that mostly resulted to laughter, and I was controlled. Except my ear blasted out in heat. It was annoying, sure.

But honestly, it made it easier to decide.

I didn't wish for her when I blew out my birthday candles. I wished for someone who'd love me the same way I'd love them. I wished for someone, anyone, who will make me feel that way again. I blew out all candles at the same time. That gave me hope, as if somehow God was telling me that wish will come true.

But how selfish of me, to think that way.

People are starving out there, suffering from actual wounds, battling the urge to give up and die. They have no home, and those who have been hit by the typhoon lost their family and friends.

Who am I to wish for such high demands?

I'm no one. I don't deserve that kind of treatment.

But if there was a chance, even just a small chance, that my birth meant something. That I'm here on this Earth for something bigger...

I just wish for this.

Give me love, and I will give you my soul.

Happy 15th Birthday, Kye.