It Is A Pandemic

Teikida's so awkward.

It reminded me of when I used to go out with Shizu and Hyuga. I was so into Hyuga then, and that's why I was so afraid of embarrassing myself that I got so shy and awkward. Shizu did most of the talking. That's why the two of them ended up so close. That's why I got ultimately jealous. That's why I started not trusting Shizu because she stole all my crushes away.

It's not my fault though.

After all, even Hyuga told me that Shizu kept talking to her and stuff. Shizu wanted to talk to her. She kept texting her. And calling her, apparently. Maybe she just liked Hyuga as a friend, sure, but you have to take into account that I was all over her as well.

But anyways, Hyuga is not the point here.

How do I put this..

I don't know what to feel here.

When I found out Teikida liked me, I was actually happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she's the first person who's liked me since-

Well, a long time.

And also because when I saw her again for the first time this year I thought she looked good. Not in a sense that, "Wow she's gorgeous." or "Wow she's hot."

No. More so in a sense that she pulled the new look off. And also, I'm apparently easily attracted to types like her.

At the same time, I know I'll never fully like her the way she likes me. I will never be able to love her. We will never be able to end up together. Yet I still want something to happen. Why?

Because I'm a selfish retard who only thinks of herself. Because there is nothing in this world that could satisfy me enough except that one person who's going to change my life for the better. I'm not meeting that one person anytime soon. So why not settle for something less permanent?

I'm leaving in two months. I'm not entirely sure Teikida even knows that. Even she did though, I doubt that would change anything. She says she's serious about me. But I've been to the road before. I've claimed I was serious about a ton of people. Hyuga, Yuriko, Ichigo, Sachi... None of them lasted. Well, except Ashii. And Kuga. They're different cases.

Also her confession and her sudden new interest in me hasn't impacted my life at all. I feel almost absolutely nothing's changed.

To be honest with you, I still- I still think Kuga is adorable. And funny. And cool. And I can't help it- Lately I've been thinking maybe there's a chance. But as soon as that happens, I put up a barrier. Because it can never happen. Not only am I leaving in two months, but she deserves so much better than me. I'm broken. I'm not going to give her something broken.

Plus she doesn't swing that way. She's way out of my league.

As usual.

I'm not content with the way things are now.

I'm conflicted with doubts. Riddled with questions. Wondering what's going to happen next is annoying, and I doubt it's gonna get any easier from here on out.

But I revel in this corruption because that's just the kind of person I am.

I am no saint. I know my boundaries in my capabilities, and I can barely do something bad without completely feeling guilty about it, sure, but,

There are some things that I've felt that would go beyond any rational capabilities.

Sachi, you and Daiko make a good pair. But I think the thing that most bothers me about this is that you're treating me as if our relationship never happened. Maybe that's why I never got the closure I wanted.

It's a Pandemic.