I want to kill the world.

To destroy it and raze it to the ground. Till nothing is left except the vacuum memory of its pathetic existence.


I hate myself. Do you know what it feels like to hate everything you are because the love of your life - the one person who could ever make you shoot a gun pointed at your head - feels inferior because of you. When she blames you for everything, when she constantly pushes you away, when she treats you like you're a gnat following her around, always ready to accept her apology because that's just the way I am - a fucking gnat. Pathetic and so 'nice' that I'd forget all about who I am just to make sure she's happy.

What the fuck is the point.

I'm so broken. I'm so fucking hateful. I hate myself so much. I want to die. I'm so fucking useless. I hate the world. I hate everything. I hate my life. Why the fuck am I breathing? Why do I exist? Why is this world so fucking unfair?

Why the fuck am I alive

Helpless

I can't quite explain it -

This feeling of helplessness.


What good am I to her - what good am I to anyone, really - if I can't keep her happy? Isn't that the emotion a significant other is supposed to make you feel? Isn't that what we crave for in a loved one? What we hope to one day attain a full possessive hold on?


I'm useless.

I'm not doing anything.

I actually feel like I'm making things worse. I'm giving my all here and it's still not enough. Some things you just can't fix. And I get that, I do.

But what am I supposed to do?

I'm not ready for this. For all of this.

I want her to tell me everything, every bit of her thoughts, every emotion, every 'dramatic' conflicting idea that comes to her head, but often I find she's restraining. It's as if I've told her practically everything about myself and she hasn't told me hers.


But aren't I holding something back as well? In fear of... exposing myself too much? In fear of vulnerability?


I can't... I can't speak tonight. The thoughts are unnatural. Mutated.

My emotions feels tight.

It's out of my control.

And the memories flash.


Like a glitch.


She touches him. She touches him with a smile. With a pleasant expression. She touches him. And it feels familiar. It hurts. I feel it once, growing. I feel it deep. I want to look away. I can't. I want her to stop. To pull away. She doesn't. She keeps her hand there. He's smiling too. They're speaking in voices I can't understand. It's too much. The anger comes up like a demon, ready to devour, ready to kill.

I leave. I want her to see. To notice that I'm in pain. To realize that I am not over it. Not at all.

Because she loved him with all her being.

She loved him.

And I was there, loving her. And I couldn't do anything.

She touches him. And I stand there, unable to do anything.


Helplessness.







I can't change the world like this.

I have no power. No courage. No control. No belief. No idea. No strength. No tolerance. No will.

For once in my life,







I know I'm powerless.


Oh no.




Without my mind, what am I?

I'm scared. It's attacking now.


My life is insignificant. Meaningless. I am nothing but a speck in the universe. My name will never be written down on books. My ideas will never be read or seen or heard. My voice will be dead. My body will vanish.

Everything

About me

Will

Die.





No.

I'm losing it.

I'm losing it all.

And I'm afraid.

What do I do


Oh god what do I do

Isolation

Often,

I find myself wondering -

What is it exactly do I want?

And that goes to be said. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for. I claim to want companionship, to want somebody who is different from all the rest. Who will be there for me. Who will help me. And shelter me. From the demons that I find myself fearing more every day. From the darkness that clings to my body like a shadow that's come to life from the very essence of sadness and sorrow and regret itself.

I am blessed beyond words. With a wonderful family, wonderful education, wonderful technology. I have been given everything I've ever wanted in my life. Yet it's not enough. I am a materialistic girl wanting nothing more but some form of self-satisfaction.

I find none of it in me. I find none of it in the things that I have.

I'm afraid.

How do I overcome this?

I found myself blockading myself from the world with a wall built of materialistic gain that I haven't even earned. Because of that, I push myself away from the people who should be inside this circle I've barricaded myself in.

And when somebody tries to come in - Selfishly, I push them away. Unknowingly. But intentionally as well.

The thing about me is that I have lived alone. For the majority of my life. And that may seem petty. Those words may seem hypocritical. But... It's how I've always... thought of my life. Alone.

I deal with my issues alone. I overcome my anger and sadness alone. I cry alone. I smash cabinets alone. I kill myself slowly alone.

I've never thought of myself as a sad person. I'm generally... optimistic. I'm happy. I'm a believer. I like laughing. I like smiling.

But I'm alone.

That's the thing.

It's just that. There is nothing more to say.

There is a light, however.

A light at the end of the tunnel. A possibility in the darkness that clouds the mind that has been broken a thousand times before.

It could end up saving me. Or destroying me even further.

She has become my last salvation.

She could save this dying light. She could pull me away from my materialistic shelter. From this isolation.

Or she could end up letting go of my hand just as I'm struggling to overcome an abyss that's ground can never be found. A darkness that never ends.



I am only a pawn.



Use me as you will.

And watch as the way you torment me shape the world that will become the future. Because despite my ego issues and isolation and depression and anger,

I do and will always believe I will change the world.






I do and will always believe of my significance.