I hate myself.

And I hate people.


And I hate the fucking world.


Fucking google emphasizes fucking privacy even though I logged out a hundred fucking times and safari still kept my gmail logged in. What the fuck.

I don't know what's wrong with me. But I hate myself. I feel heavy and big. But so fucking small. I want to kill somebody. As if that can somehow stop me from hating myself. I want to kill myself.

I want to die in my depression.

Why am I alive

Who the fuck even cares


I'm a fucking nuisance

I'm a pest

Eradicate me from this world

Destroy me


The world will be better without me


Nobody will miss me


Who'll miss a depressed fucking asshole?

Who'll miss me?


I want to bend my fingers backwards.

I want to cry.

I want to fucking disappear

Chained

I suppose... It shouldn't have ever felt like this.


The deciding moment of a relationship comes when two people engage in physical intercourse, whether it be a kiss or a hug or a simple caress of the cheek. But often, that moment can also come in an emotional touch. Something gentle and sweet, light and beautiful. Both combined could ignite a spark so intense it could set the world on fire.

How did it come to this?

Our relationship... has been built on a foundation of pain. Nothing has ever felt so unnatural, so uncomfortably, so painful. It beckons me deeper into my own hatred, into the side of me I had never wanted to see released ever again. I have become spiteful, angry, loathsome. I have become Kyle. And the thought scares me, to think I'm reliving this entire episode over again. I never wanted to become Kyle again. I never wanted to see him in me. To see that egoistic, arrogant, aggressive side of me.

I never wanted to be this hurt again.

And the worst part could be that despite all my efforts to deny it... My spirit wants to be let loose.

No, not in a suicidal way. I have no intention of dying. Right now. I can't speak for the times we fight and argue. I can't speak for the moments I sink to the ground sobbing into empty air as my own cries echo in the silence of the living room, heard by nobody. But right now, I feel no such desire to end my own life. Only to liberate it.

These chains are... They're attacking me. Not only holding me down, they seem to also be suffocating the very life inside of me, pulling me into submission, dragging me into a state of numb tolerance, of indifferent nothingness. Into an emotionless drone only capable of feeling... lost.


It isn't a question of what happens next, it's a question of who do I want to hurt.

At this point, there are only two paths. One is the road less taken, the road in which I embark on with her, and allow her to constantly stab me and hurt me and drag me down only for me to pull her back up at the cost of my own ego, of my own pride, of my own happiness. The other road, however, hurts her. At the cost of my happiness.


How am I supposed to choose?

I'm too weak.

I am too weak.


I suppose...

It shouldn't have ever felt like this.

Fuck

Waste of my goddamned fucking time.

What have I ever done to deserve this, huh?

Everything I've done, EVERYTHING that I've done, has been a mirror of how you've treated me. You think it's so crazy for me to react this way? You think it's WOW SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE that I'm overreacting like this? When you've been doing it to me ALL THIS FUCKING TIME.


I'm pissed off. That's obvious. But maybe what's not obvious is the fact that everything I say, everything I do, is for your comfort. I add little details about what I'm doing so you won't get mad. Like saying I'm studying for the next chapter but quickly adding, I have to do it in advance cause I'm taking fucking notes. Cause that takes me all night. Cause I'm stupid as fuck and if I just read it or take last-minute notes I won't remember shit, not like I'll remember them anyway, but I have to try because my GPA is at a THREE POINT FUCKING SIX. And I kinda want it to remain that way instead of dropping. Cause you and I both know I'm not raising my chemistry grade anytime soon.

How did it even fucking come to this?

I've never been this angry, this volatile, this undoubtedly insane before in my entire life. I've never been so prone to cry in the middle of studying because apparently I've done it wrong. Apparently just me studying makes my girlfriend fucking pissed at me.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO


Holy fuck.

You'd rather be dead?

I'd rather be dead.

Maybe then the pain'd be less fucking gut-wrenching.

Maybe then I wouldn't have to believe my girlfriend hates everything I say and do.

I want to kill the world.

To destroy it and raze it to the ground. Till nothing is left except the vacuum memory of its pathetic existence.


I hate myself. Do you know what it feels like to hate everything you are because the love of your life - the one person who could ever make you shoot a gun pointed at your head - feels inferior because of you. When she blames you for everything, when she constantly pushes you away, when she treats you like you're a gnat following her around, always ready to accept her apology because that's just the way I am - a fucking gnat. Pathetic and so 'nice' that I'd forget all about who I am just to make sure she's happy.

What the fuck is the point.

I'm so broken. I'm so fucking hateful. I hate myself so much. I want to die. I'm so fucking useless. I hate the world. I hate everything. I hate my life. Why the fuck am I breathing? Why do I exist? Why is this world so fucking unfair?

Why the fuck am I alive

Helpless

I can't quite explain it -

This feeling of helplessness.


What good am I to her - what good am I to anyone, really - if I can't keep her happy? Isn't that the emotion a significant other is supposed to make you feel? Isn't that what we crave for in a loved one? What we hope to one day attain a full possessive hold on?


I'm useless.

I'm not doing anything.

I actually feel like I'm making things worse. I'm giving my all here and it's still not enough. Some things you just can't fix. And I get that, I do.

But what am I supposed to do?

I'm not ready for this. For all of this.

I want her to tell me everything, every bit of her thoughts, every emotion, every 'dramatic' conflicting idea that comes to her head, but often I find she's restraining. It's as if I've told her practically everything about myself and she hasn't told me hers.


But aren't I holding something back as well? In fear of... exposing myself too much? In fear of vulnerability?


I can't... I can't speak tonight. The thoughts are unnatural. Mutated.

My emotions feels tight.

It's out of my control.

And the memories flash.


Like a glitch.


She touches him. She touches him with a smile. With a pleasant expression. She touches him. And it feels familiar. It hurts. I feel it once, growing. I feel it deep. I want to look away. I can't. I want her to stop. To pull away. She doesn't. She keeps her hand there. He's smiling too. They're speaking in voices I can't understand. It's too much. The anger comes up like a demon, ready to devour, ready to kill.

I leave. I want her to see. To notice that I'm in pain. To realize that I am not over it. Not at all.

Because she loved him with all her being.

She loved him.

And I was there, loving her. And I couldn't do anything.

She touches him. And I stand there, unable to do anything.


Helplessness.







I can't change the world like this.

I have no power. No courage. No control. No belief. No idea. No strength. No tolerance. No will.

For once in my life,







I know I'm powerless.


Oh no.




Without my mind, what am I?

I'm scared. It's attacking now.


My life is insignificant. Meaningless. I am nothing but a speck in the universe. My name will never be written down on books. My ideas will never be read or seen or heard. My voice will be dead. My body will vanish.

Everything

About me

Will

Die.





No.

I'm losing it.

I'm losing it all.

And I'm afraid.

What do I do


Oh god what do I do

Isolation

Often,

I find myself wondering -

What is it exactly do I want?

And that goes to be said. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for. I claim to want companionship, to want somebody who is different from all the rest. Who will be there for me. Who will help me. And shelter me. From the demons that I find myself fearing more every day. From the darkness that clings to my body like a shadow that's come to life from the very essence of sadness and sorrow and regret itself.

I am blessed beyond words. With a wonderful family, wonderful education, wonderful technology. I have been given everything I've ever wanted in my life. Yet it's not enough. I am a materialistic girl wanting nothing more but some form of self-satisfaction.

I find none of it in me. I find none of it in the things that I have.

I'm afraid.

How do I overcome this?

I found myself blockading myself from the world with a wall built of materialistic gain that I haven't even earned. Because of that, I push myself away from the people who should be inside this circle I've barricaded myself in.

And when somebody tries to come in - Selfishly, I push them away. Unknowingly. But intentionally as well.

The thing about me is that I have lived alone. For the majority of my life. And that may seem petty. Those words may seem hypocritical. But... It's how I've always... thought of my life. Alone.

I deal with my issues alone. I overcome my anger and sadness alone. I cry alone. I smash cabinets alone. I kill myself slowly alone.

I've never thought of myself as a sad person. I'm generally... optimistic. I'm happy. I'm a believer. I like laughing. I like smiling.

But I'm alone.

That's the thing.

It's just that. There is nothing more to say.

There is a light, however.

A light at the end of the tunnel. A possibility in the darkness that clouds the mind that has been broken a thousand times before.

It could end up saving me. Or destroying me even further.

She has become my last salvation.

She could save this dying light. She could pull me away from my materialistic shelter. From this isolation.

Or she could end up letting go of my hand just as I'm struggling to overcome an abyss that's ground can never be found. A darkness that never ends.



I am only a pawn.



Use me as you will.

And watch as the way you torment me shape the world that will become the future. Because despite my ego issues and isolation and depression and anger,

I do and will always believe I will change the world.






I do and will always believe of my significance.

Shaking

"The want for insanity is insanity.

In that aspect, I am very much insane."

Many words. How to voice them out.

I haven't written for a while. Which is a good sign. That means the venom has been rooted. That means the corruption has disappeared. At least for a moment. But my mind will never be free of its corruption. My heart will never be cleansed of its immorality.

How to start, what to say -

If she is the source, the root, of my insanity, shouldn't I, then, stay away from her? From the cause of my own destruction.

I assumed she was different. That I was alright with being a pawn in her life. That I could stand being her shadow if it meant I could be HER shadow. It seems I was mistaken. Mei isn't any more special than anybody else I've taken an interest to. She doesn't care for me anymore than I do. She loves only her boyfriend. The boy who stole her heart.

And has refused to give it back.

I am not one to judge. We all know that I am no saint. We all know of my devious vice and decadence. We all know of my insanity. But I have come to believe that confessing will help me relieve this pent up frustration. It will help me find some closure. Or, maybe, though unlikely, it will lead her right into my arms.

Reality isn't like that.

I will not confess.

Not while this insanity still runs in my veins. Not while this memory of her own disinterest burns itself into my heart.

I simply cannot love somebody

Who doesn't understand why I am corrupted. How I am corrupted.




I don't understand it myself. And that goes to be said. I simply cannot love somebody until I sate my taint. Until I destroy my own demons.

I will never be with anybody.

I am alone.