Helpless

I can't quite explain it -

This feeling of helplessness.


What good am I to her - what good am I to anyone, really - if I can't keep her happy? Isn't that the emotion a significant other is supposed to make you feel? Isn't that what we crave for in a loved one? What we hope to one day attain a full possessive hold on?


I'm useless.

I'm not doing anything.

I actually feel like I'm making things worse. I'm giving my all here and it's still not enough. Some things you just can't fix. And I get that, I do.

But what am I supposed to do?

I'm not ready for this. For all of this.

I want her to tell me everything, every bit of her thoughts, every emotion, every 'dramatic' conflicting idea that comes to her head, but often I find she's restraining. It's as if I've told her practically everything about myself and she hasn't told me hers.


But aren't I holding something back as well? In fear of... exposing myself too much? In fear of vulnerability?


I can't... I can't speak tonight. The thoughts are unnatural. Mutated.

My emotions feels tight.

It's out of my control.

And the memories flash.


Like a glitch.


She touches him. She touches him with a smile. With a pleasant expression. She touches him. And it feels familiar. It hurts. I feel it once, growing. I feel it deep. I want to look away. I can't. I want her to stop. To pull away. She doesn't. She keeps her hand there. He's smiling too. They're speaking in voices I can't understand. It's too much. The anger comes up like a demon, ready to devour, ready to kill.

I leave. I want her to see. To notice that I'm in pain. To realize that I am not over it. Not at all.

Because she loved him with all her being.

She loved him.

And I was there, loving her. And I couldn't do anything.

She touches him. And I stand there, unable to do anything.


Helplessness.







I can't change the world like this.

I have no power. No courage. No control. No belief. No idea. No strength. No tolerance. No will.

For once in my life,







I know I'm powerless.


Oh no.




Without my mind, what am I?

I'm scared. It's attacking now.


My life is insignificant. Meaningless. I am nothing but a speck in the universe. My name will never be written down on books. My ideas will never be read or seen or heard. My voice will be dead. My body will vanish.

Everything

About me

Will

Die.





No.

I'm losing it.

I'm losing it all.

And I'm afraid.

What do I do


Oh god what do I do