Chained

I suppose... It shouldn't have ever felt like this.


The deciding moment of a relationship comes when two people engage in physical intercourse, whether it be a kiss or a hug or a simple caress of the cheek. But often, that moment can also come in an emotional touch. Something gentle and sweet, light and beautiful. Both combined could ignite a spark so intense it could set the world on fire.

How did it come to this?

Our relationship... has been built on a foundation of pain. Nothing has ever felt so unnatural, so uncomfortably, so painful. It beckons me deeper into my own hatred, into the side of me I had never wanted to see released ever again. I have become spiteful, angry, loathsome. I have become Kyle. And the thought scares me, to think I'm reliving this entire episode over again. I never wanted to become Kyle again. I never wanted to see him in me. To see that egoistic, arrogant, aggressive side of me.

I never wanted to be this hurt again.

And the worst part could be that despite all my efforts to deny it... My spirit wants to be let loose.

No, not in a suicidal way. I have no intention of dying. Right now. I can't speak for the times we fight and argue. I can't speak for the moments I sink to the ground sobbing into empty air as my own cries echo in the silence of the living room, heard by nobody. But right now, I feel no such desire to end my own life. Only to liberate it.

These chains are... They're attacking me. Not only holding me down, they seem to also be suffocating the very life inside of me, pulling me into submission, dragging me into a state of numb tolerance, of indifferent nothingness. Into an emotionless drone only capable of feeling... lost.


It isn't a question of what happens next, it's a question of who do I want to hurt.

At this point, there are only two paths. One is the road less taken, the road in which I embark on with her, and allow her to constantly stab me and hurt me and drag me down only for me to pull her back up at the cost of my own ego, of my own pride, of my own happiness. The other road, however, hurts her. At the cost of my happiness.


How am I supposed to choose?

I'm too weak.

I am too weak.


I suppose...

It shouldn't have ever felt like this.