Isolation

Often,

I find myself wondering -

What is it exactly do I want?

And that goes to be said. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for. I claim to want companionship, to want somebody who is different from all the rest. Who will be there for me. Who will help me. And shelter me. From the demons that I find myself fearing more every day. From the darkness that clings to my body like a shadow that's come to life from the very essence of sadness and sorrow and regret itself.

I am blessed beyond words. With a wonderful family, wonderful education, wonderful technology. I have been given everything I've ever wanted in my life. Yet it's not enough. I am a materialistic girl wanting nothing more but some form of self-satisfaction.

I find none of it in me. I find none of it in the things that I have.

I'm afraid.

How do I overcome this?

I found myself blockading myself from the world with a wall built of materialistic gain that I haven't even earned. Because of that, I push myself away from the people who should be inside this circle I've barricaded myself in.

And when somebody tries to come in - Selfishly, I push them away. Unknowingly. But intentionally as well.

The thing about me is that I have lived alone. For the majority of my life. And that may seem petty. Those words may seem hypocritical. But... It's how I've always... thought of my life. Alone.

I deal with my issues alone. I overcome my anger and sadness alone. I cry alone. I smash cabinets alone. I kill myself slowly alone.

I've never thought of myself as a sad person. I'm generally... optimistic. I'm happy. I'm a believer. I like laughing. I like smiling.

But I'm alone.

That's the thing.

It's just that. There is nothing more to say.

There is a light, however.

A light at the end of the tunnel. A possibility in the darkness that clouds the mind that has been broken a thousand times before.

It could end up saving me. Or destroying me even further.

She has become my last salvation.

She could save this dying light. She could pull me away from my materialistic shelter. From this isolation.

Or she could end up letting go of my hand just as I'm struggling to overcome an abyss that's ground can never be found. A darkness that never ends.



I am only a pawn.



Use me as you will.

And watch as the way you torment me shape the world that will become the future. Because despite my ego issues and isolation and depression and anger,

I do and will always believe I will change the world.






I do and will always believe of my significance.