Talking To Myself

I don't know, I'm just really confused at this point.

My life has all but been clear. I know part of who I am; Flare Blitz, Kye Tamm, someone who wants to make a difference, someone who isn't like the rest of em. But the other half of me? The other part, which I'm supposed to find?

I'm lost. I can't see it at all.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do here.

2014 is coming. Maybe that's why I'm thinking so much about this. Maybe that's why I feel the need to write this all down.

I don't want it to be just another year again. 2013 has been eventful for me. Lots of changes, lots of heartbreaks, lots of awareness's. But I couldn't even figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, where I'm supposed to go and who I'm supposed to trust. After all, I can't do this alone. Being away from the people you surround yourself with for two months can help you clarify who's worth keeping and who's better off a stranger to you.

If they make time for you, continue to tell you things, even if they've told it to you a thousand times before, you can tell they care for you. They want to continue to be in your life. Accept that.

But those who feel as if they're losing time for you, those who claim to not be free for you, they're pushing you away.

You're pushing me away, bro.

After three years of being Ted and Barney, what the hell are you doing?

If you're reading this, just know that I'm not trying to offend you or anything. I just want you to know that that's the vibe I've been getting from you. You're never there for me, man. And now that you're moving, I can almost feel the line our friendships' been threading on snapping.

I guess there are people you should let go of.

Great. Now I need a new wingman.

I'm making a big shift for 2014. Moving to Saipan will be the big change for me. It'll be a complete transformation. I don't know if I'll be ready for that. I know I'm not now. I'm terrified. But then again, I've always been terrified of change. Maybe that's why my heart's so determined on going. I need to push myself out of my own comfort zone.

C'mon, Kye. Live a little.

You can't stay in Malaysia forever, that's for sure.

A few more things I have to write about. Love, of course, being the most obvious and gayest topic of all.

What the hell am I really? I claim to be a hopeless romantic, to be able to treat my future someone with as much love and care as a person like me can muster. But it's only been two months and suddenly I'm already over the girl I thought I was in love with. My best friend, who I claimed was my most serious crush since Apple. I see her now, and I feel absolutely nothing.

I'm hollow. Damaged goods. Who the fuck can fix someone like me up?

I don't know anymore. I've been talking to myself, talking to the dark, trying to clear the shit up in my head before the clock strikes twelve on the last day of 2013, but I'm starting to think it's hopeless. There's so much shit clustered up in there. So much doubt. Insecurities. False hope.

I'm still young.

Still blossoming.

Still searching.

But I'll always feel like a shadow. In all honesty I could be okay with that.

As long as the light that's opposing me can make me feel as bright as she is.

Strange.

If only superpowers really did exist.